Not Needy, Wanty

I Don’t Need You!

I remember a few years before my separation having a conversation with my ex husband, where I simply said “I don’t need you”. I was quite surprised by his hurt reaction because I didn’t intend it to be a negative statement. It made me realise that many of us base our relationships on need. My point was that I was in the marriage because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be.

Obviously I was with the wrong person because our outlook on relationships was very different. He obviously felt that a woman should need him; otherwise he felt his role as a man was somehow undermined. That in itself is not such a big deal, if your partner is the type that likes to be needed and you are the type that is needy, then perfect match.

I can imagine some people reading this thinking; “well no wonder their marriage didn’t last!” and I guess you may have a point. If you are in a relationship that is made up of two people on two different levels of need, then unless this is dealt with eventually it will cause problems.

Are Conventional Relationships Still a Right Fit?

So here we are 2016 in a society where men and women are supposed to be equal. I am guessing in same sex relationships this isn’t such an issue; at least there is no gender inequality as such. I’m sure there are other challenges but I have no expertise in this area so I won’t make any assumptions. What I do know is that most women are no longer content with playing the needy role, especially if they are independent and perhaps even career minded. Does this threaten the male role in a relationship?

Probably not in all cases but I am sure it does in many.

While we have changed many constructs in our society, the role of a woman and a man in relationships is not very different from say fifty years ago. Yes a woman may go out to work but that in itself is not equality.

Why Needy is Not Healthy

But neediness is not confined to gender as such. Neediness is much more to do with the feeling of unworthiness. If we do not feel whole, if we do not feel enough then we search to fill that gap and often we expect that from someone else, usually our partner.

Lonely alone

Need V Want

Personally I prefer someone to be with me because they enjoy my company, not because they don’t feel enough on their own. It’s not a compliment to feel needed; it’s much more a compliment to feel wanted. To me that means there’s a conscious choice, a mature, emotionally intelligent choice.

If feeling needed is what you are after, then what is it you feel is wrong with you? What would happen if nobody needed you? Would you become insignificant?

What would happen if you had to meet your own needs? Do you feel you couldn’t do that or perhaps that you are not good enough?

 

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