Right hands up, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, I just said that to grab your attention. But now I have it, here’s the truth (well my truth)
Actually there is no such thing as perfect because the very essence of life is to recognise how perfectly imperfect everything is. So why do we try so hard to find this perfect person to complete our life?
Here’s a little exercise for you to try today.
- Write a list of all the things your perfect partner should have or be. Nobody will see this so be as open and honest as you want.
- Now look at your list and ask yourself:
a. what characteristics in this perfect partner do you have?
b. What characteristics would you want to have that you don’t already have?
- What would happen if you actually met this perfect person? How would it change your life?
- What will happen if you never meet anyone that fits this criteria?
So maybe I should share my thoughts on what my perfect partner would be like. He would be a combination of Richard Gere, James Dean and a little Keanu Reeves. Now that’s a great mix right? Attractive, intelligent, strong, and interesting, the list goes on.
“Perfection is when one realises his/her imperfections”
But here’s the thing, as soon as you start to compile a list of criteria for this perfect partner, you set that person up for failure. As soon as they fail to meet one of your preferences, they no longer meet your criteria and they are no longer that perfect partner.
Looking for this elusive perfect partner raises questions about how we relate to ourselves. What is it we are looking for outside of ourselves? Do we look for what we feel is missing within us or do we look for what we most love about ourselves in others?
What would happen if we just saw people as they are, accept them as they are and take them as they come?
What would happen if we stopped trying to make others what we want them to be and worked on making ourselves what we want to be?
This may make me sound like some bitter twisted woman who doesn’t believe in relationships at all. Actually I’m quite the opposite, what I now see and value is that it’s my striving for perfect that has caused so many problems in the past. I’ve come to accept that actually imperfect is pretty perfect. And if that’s the case why would I be looking for perfect in anyone else?
In my work we often end up talking about relationships. I tend to get straight to the point of why I think most relationships fail. It’s simple, we want our partner to be perfect, if they aren’t we try to make them. We try to change them. Eventually this wears us out, it wears them out and causes damage to the relationship.
So what’s the solution? How do we have better relationships?
Firstly we accept that perfect does not exist and become completely comfortable with that. Let go of the dream of perfection in ourselves and in others. Savour what is, learn to accept the imperfections and watch how things change.
And no that does not mean you compromise, it means you see things as they are. Then you can choose if you really want to be with someone or not.
Secondly you remember that the only person you can change is you. You work on you until one day you realise you have everything you want and need, right there inside you. Then how you relate to others completely changes. You no longer need anything, you are happy to just be with that person, for that moment without any expectations.
You learn to not cling to something that no longer serves you.
How liberating is that? Or is it out of your comfort zone?